What's God Ever Done For Me?

In September 2000 I gave birth to my first daughter Eleanor.

She died the following day at Great Ormond St Hospital (GOSH) whilst being operated on for a congenital heart defect.
People’s reaction to a baby dying was very mixed, and I heard more than once. ”She gone to be with God” or “God has taken her to be with him”. My immediate and consistent reaction was “God doesn’t take babies”. I felt really annoyed that people would say such a thing to me. Firstly was it supposed to be a comfort that God had taken my baby? Secondly I just did not believe that God had taken my much wanted baby.

Our new neighbours were the Curate and his wife, Paivi. Shortly after we lost Eleanor I went to counselling sessions at the hospital. Whilst waiting for my appointment one day Paivi walked out of the Maternity Department having just been for her first scan. When I got home I felt compelled to write to her and tell her how it was a sign to me that life goes on and how pleased I was. I believe this was God letting me know about the baby, after all how do you tell someone who has just lost a baby that you are pregnant. I became friendly with Paivi and she mentioned she had no one to look after their two sons when she went into hospital to have the new baby. I offered to look after them even doing the school run etc to familiarise myself with the boys routine.

Over the next few months my curiosity combined with a sure knowledge that God had not taken my baby made me think about going to Church. I got so fed up with myself wondering that I told myself if I didn’t go to Church the following Sunday I was to put God out of my head and stop wondering about him. That Saturday night at nine o’clock the doorbell rings and there stand Paivi and Stephen ready to go to the hospital. I stayed all night with the boys until Stephen came home at 5.30. He had to take the 10.30 service and said I could just stay home with the boys if I wished and that I did not have to take them to Church. My reply was”You will never believe me but it was make or break for me to go to Church today” So I went with the boys to Church and found PEACE. A peace that is unexplainable it was like coming home.

I continued to go to Church and was confirmed that November when I was six months pregnant with my second daughter Faith.

It is now October 2007 and I am seven months pregnant with my third child. We went for a routine scan on 1st October to be told by the Consultant that he had found a defect in the baby’s heart and he wanted to get a second opinion. Our world fell apart I could not go through this again. I was whizzed back seven years to all the emotions and desperation that I felt when we lost Eleanor. We eventually got our wish to be sent to GOSH to have the baby scanned the following morning. Our world stood still and I do not know how I got through until the appointment. Well I do. I prayed. I asked God to keep me calm and thanked him that at least this time we were getting pre-warning of a problem. As that would surely give us a better chance to deal with whatever was wrong once the baby was born. Close friends prayed for us too and I took strength knowing we were in God’s capable hands.

I slept peacefully and was calm as I made the journey up to London alone to meet my husband. We were both anxious of course but I knew I would deal with whatever the Consultant would tell us. As we walked along the corridor at GOSH we heard a voice say “Linda and Lawrence I would recognise you anywhere!” and that was from behind! It was Mary, a wonderful lady who looked after us and cared about us when we lost Eleanor. She has sent us cards for the last seven years at Christmas and knows that Eleanor lives on in our family. This was her first day back at work after a two month holiday. She came in with us whilst the baby was scanned. The Consultant gave us the wonderful news that the baby’s heart was normal and he had no worries or concerns. Outside Mary was able to reassure us and offer us the chance to get the baby scanned again once it is born.

God was present with me then, as he was seven years ago when Eleanor died. He has never left my side. He put Mary there in that corridor at that moment to be our Angel to guide us and reassure us. It’s a place we didn’t want to be but if we had to be there then we had the best love and care we could have asked for. The calm I felt never left me.

I would urge you to give your worries whatever their size to God. Trust in him. As humans it is hard to trust others or to let go of control over something or a situation. But when you trust in God the peace and calm you receive in return is unimaginable.